08 June 2018
“If you’re having suicidal thoughts, get help,” we say. Great. But, what exactly are “suicidal thoughts?”
“Where will I do it?”
“When?”
“How?”
Those are the Big Three, certainly.
Long before we get to that point, though, we’ve already had a million small thoughts which paved the way to there. Nobody goes from “healthy” to “suicidal” without a process. We become familiar and comfortable with the concept, long before it forms as a deliberate thought or choice.
As we acclimate to depression or simply respond to the nut kicks from life, our defense mechanisms blind us to some of the earliest signs we’re in trouble. It’s hard to know the seeds of a suicidal thought have taken root until one day you’re picking a spot looking over the lake to do it and—if you’re lucky—you pause and wonder “how did I get here?”
You start by ignoring your emotional needs. Don’t make time to do things that bring you joy. Stop being interested in new things. Withdraw from friends and make excuses not to join them. Spend more and more time by yourself. Worry. Criticize your shortcomings. Sleep a lot. Drink more. Wallow. Think about problems. Convince yourself you’re worthless. Wonder about your future a lot. Read about celebrities’ suicides with a little envy that they had the guts.
These are suicidal thoughts.
If you drink water all the time, you prevent dehydration. If you train for serenity, you prevent depression and suicidal thoughts. Both exercises require mindfulness and discipline, but are proven to work.
Whether one is afflicted or not, we all need to reach into others’ lives and become involved. Take on another person’s burden and become responsible for someone new. And let them take on you. Be vulnerable and open and listen when people you believe in tell you things. If they say to you “you’re worthy,” trust them. Not yourself. Remember, you’re sick.
Search for joy. Start small—like a starving victim, you can’t handle large amounts, yet. Find the tiniest bits of happiness wherever you can. The way high-quality stationery sounds when you crease it and slide it into an envelope. The way Onkyo builds the proper amount of mass and resistance into their volume knob. How aftershave in an old-timey, amber, glass bottle looks cool. Spend more time purposefully considering those little things you find the small bits of joy in. Eventually, it starts adding up and you’re retraining your brain.
And see a doctor. I mean it. The brain is some tricky shit and the chemistry is easy to get out of whack. Fortunately, there are many ways to help return our brains to OEM, thanks to meditation, counseling, good physical health and meds, even if for a while. They don’t always work great the first go, so keep at it. There’re lots of options. Don’t quit.
We’ve lost so many dear people to this and I don’t know if there’s always a way out of it. But I suspect too many of us are caught by surprise and get overwhelmed. Be mindful of yourself and others and reach out earlier.
Be good and well, my friends.
–Michael Lane
